There's Always Rugby

Just a little bit

My weekend was eventful. Friday night Charles and Angi came over to watch movies. We were planning on watching a funny flick or two and then calling it a night. But Charles brought a bottle of wine, so we opened it up. Then Kevin arrived from the gym and started chit-chatting. Before we knew it, we had polished off a couple of bottles of wine and it was 11:30. I kicked them out because I was freaking tired--that's what I love about my friends. I can just say, "It's late, you have to leave because I'm tired." And they're cool with that.

I skipped rugby practice Saturday morning, on account of my wrist that's still not better and my right eye. The sty is on the inside of my upper lid. It's completely swollen and gross.

I sat around and worked on Neil's book. My buddy Neil Giuliano is a former mayor of Tempe and has led an interesting life. He wrote a book about being forced out of the closet due to some right wingers while in office. It's very interesting. Anyway... I'm doing some edits and making notes for him.

Saturday night I picked up Jeffy. Actually, I picked up Jeff, but in my mind I call him Jeffy, so I'll just start calling him that in real life. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I did.

We went to La Roca and met up with the rugby boiz for Jonathan's birthday. Five minutes after we arrived, this man walks up to the jukebox and starts playing some music. At that point in the evening, I was sitting in a chair directly adjacent to the jukebox and Jeff was standing directly in front of me. The first song that starts blaring out of the jukebox is Beautiful by Christina Aguilera. Jeff paused in mid-sentence -- the look on his face was priceless. It took every ounce of energy for him not to make some smart-assed comment and/or bust out laughing. Believe me, it was just as difficult for me not to crack up watching all this unfold.

While at La Roca, one of the rugby players, William, told me he had a sty for FOUR MONTHS!! The doctor told him it was due to stress. Anyone who reads this, please start sending me any leftover Prozac, Codeine or Vicodin you may have sitting around in the medicine cabinet. I do not want my eye looking like Frankenstein's for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS.

After plenty of beers, we headed over to Apollo's for karaoke. After commandeering a table, we sat, sang and drank some more beers. All in all, it was a good evening. We split around 12 or 12:30 because I had to get up for work.

Sunday morning I worked the Dbax game up at Skyview, checked on George's cats and went home. I cleaned, finished some notes on Neil's book and then headed to Rock Bottom Brewery for an evening of beers with Mr. Y.

Once again, it was a fun evening. At the end of the evening, I told him that I wanted to go out again but that I wasn't ready for a one-on-one relationship just yet. It was too soon after Mr. X and I just wanted to date casually for now. He said that he would be bummed with that situation. So he said we could just be friends.

I totally understood and said okay. Then he said, "I'm sure I'll see you out sometime."

I said, "Wait. There's a difference. Do you want to be friends or is this 'If I see you out at the bars I'll say hi.'"

He acknowledged the difference and said we could be friends. So, we're gonna hang out Friday night.

My dilemma is this. Instantly after that, I felt terribly guilty. I felt bad that I disappointed him (it was evident on his face). Kevin said I shouldn't feel that way, but I hate to upset or disappoint people, regardless of the situation.

I'm also kind of torn. I would like to date some people before my next big relationship. One of those people I date could turn INTO the next big relationship, but I'm not ready to discount everyone else in the world after one date.

Kevin says that I want to casually date others because I have been in relationships for most of my life and that I've never had the "dating experience." When I was younger and came out I was quickly in a two year relationship with Cyrille. 11 months after Cyrille and I were officially over, I was in a 6+ year relationship with Kevin. It's been 1 1/2 years since Kevin and I broke up. My only dating experiences since Kevin and I broke up were a 2-month stint with someone who wasn't out of the closet (so I had to end that) and then my recent experience with Mr. X.

So, his contention is that I'm similar to someone in their 20s. Everyone else my age is ready to settle down. I kind of agree.

But on the other hand, I do want to settle down with someone; I just want to make sure it's with the right person.

I don't know. It's a little confusing.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't be able to "just date" people casually though. People want you to date them and no one else after the first date. I'm not ready to do that. So, I'll just end up hanging out with my friends. Saturday night was so awesome with the rugby guys. To me, that's very fulfilling. I love that cameraderie and I think that will be all I need for awhile.

Now I just need to find someone to have sex with, cuz I'm gonna explode pretty soon.

Searching With My Good Eye Closed

Searching With My Good Eye Closed
Originally uploaded by veryapeaz.

Yesterday, Paul and I went to ASU to interview and photograph our cover story for the upcoming Arts Issue. We hung out with Kris Sanford, an MFA student and future Echo cover model.

She uses older photographs and crops them in such a way as to change the context. She does this to make heterosexuals appear homosexual. For example, she'll use a picture from the 1920s of two women holding hands. Then she'll crop the image so that you can only see the holding hands part. It's very cool.

Anyway, Kris left to get a tripod and I made Paul take this photo.

After that I went to the gym and worked out with Jay. He's on the rugby team and works out at the Lifetime. So, that's nice that I have a workout buddy. It gets old working out by yourself all of the time.

I got home and ate dinner. Then I got a phone call from someone with an accent. Not recognizing the number, I totally assumed it was Cyrille (see previous post Love Hate Love). Cyrille calls me on a calling card, so the number is always random.

Here's our conversation:
Me: Hello?
Person: Hello this is (inaudible)
Me: Laughing.. Cyrille comment ce vas?
Person: Why are you laughing?
Me: Because you crack me up.
Person: What kind of sick person would laugh after saying a name?
Me: I would, especially if the person I'm talking to is fucking nuts.

This conversation lasted a good five minutes. Then I realized it wasn't Cyrille at all. I had no clue as to who this person was. The other person started getting really agitated -- I thought it was Cyrille playing one of his stupid jokes. Not! I ended up hanging up and the guy didn't call back.

Right after that, Mr. Y called. I met Mr. Y for about five seconds two weeks ago when I was in Jerome. He IM'd me Tuesday night while I was chatting with some buds on gay.com.

We chatted for a long time and had an interesting conversation--very rare on gay.com. He suggested we meet for beers Sunday night and I agreed (since he knew Buddy, I knew he wasn't a run of the mill psycho).

So... Mr. Y called last night and said he wanted to play darts. He wanted me to join him. After the freaky conversation with The Guy Who Is Not Cyrille, I readily agreed.

We met at Roscoes at 8:30 and played darts. I had to play left handed. Even though I'm left handed, I do some things right handed, like throw darts, balls, etc. and bowl. So, I didn't do very well, but I did much better than I anticipated. I even managed to win two games.

I liked the fact that Mr. Y is just as competitive as I am and wasn't cutting me any slack, even though I was mildly handicapped (and not just mentally).

The next thing I knew, it was 11:30. I couldn't believe it. What I thought was going to be a 1 hour outing turned into an all night affair. But it was cool, cuz I laughed and had a great time.

This morning I woke up to find my right eye, almost swollen shut. It was feeling sore yesterday, but it was odd because the bump on the bottom lid was almost completely healed. And I've been doing my hot compresses 3xs a day like the doc said. So, I couldn't understand why it would hurt.

Today... you can barely see my pupil, because the upper lid is so swollen, it almost completely covers the eye. This is absolutely insane!!!!!

With my right arm all bandaged up and my eye fucked up, I'm feeling like Frankenstein. Hopefully, tomorrow it will look better.

This goes out to a special someone south of the border

Muriel

Love me or leave me
Make your choice but believe me
I love you
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
I can’t conceal it
Don’t you see, can’t you feel it
Don’t you too?
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Oh, I’ve been dreaming through my lonely past
Now I just made it, I found you at last
So come on now let’s try it
I love you, can’t deny it
’cos it’s true
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Oh, no hard feelings between you and me
If we can’t make it, but just wait and see
So come on now let’s try it
I love you, can’t deny it
’cos it’s true
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

So love me or leave me
Make your choice but believe me
I love you
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
I can’t conceal it
Don’t you see, can’t you feel it
Don’t you too?
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Frogs

What does friend mean to you?
A word so wrongfully abused
Are you like me confused?
All included but you
Alone

You know me, everything relates to music. That's the first part of a song called Frogs by Alice in Chains. Why's it called Frogs? Because at the beginning of the song you can hear these frogs belching. But that's not the point of this post.

I'm writing this post because Mr. X and I have exchanged some IMs and e-mails over the past two days. And they've been really good. I understand some things about what makes him tick. It's also helped me better understand the qualities and attributes in someone who would be compatible with me. And things I should work on in the future.

But let me first say that Mr. X does not want me discussing what we talked about over the past two days to my friends (or blog about it). He actually said that on the phone. He said that when he meets my friends he doesn't want them to think that he's a jerk or whatever. I told him they wouldn't think that. And as Kevin pointed out -- they really don't care.

Oddly, Mr. X also said that he doesn't discuss this kind of stuff with his friends. That's either a lie (on Sunday night he told me he discussed our situation with one of his friends) or it's terribly sad. I can't imagine not discussing things with my friends. I don't go around bashing Mr. X (or Mr. W, T or Z). I just talk about stuff that might seem odd or out of place--to gain different perspectives on things.

Plus, they (friends) are wonderful sounding boards. Sometimes they tell me I'm full of shit. Sometimes they call me out when I've done something wrong. Sometimes they tell me when I'm right. And sometimes they just listen and let me get things out.

Now I don't discuss EVERYTHING with my friends. I would never discuss intimate details of a relationship. And I never really talk about sex, except in generic terms and never about a specific person. But I do talk about important things and not so important things with my friends--the good, the bad and the ugly.

I was really taken aback by Mr. X's comments. So, I turned to Buddy and said, "I promise this is the last time I'm discussing Mr. X. But...." Buddy said that what Mr. X said was unacceptable. He said, "You just broke up with him. Who else are you going to discuss it with?"

THANK YOU!!!!

Now as to why things didn't work out with Mr. X--well according to him there were several things. But I won't discuss them here.

Tonight after talking it over with Kevin (sometimes it pays to have your ex-boyfriend as a roommate and best friend), he did tell me some things I hadn't completely realized before. And if anyone should be able to point these things out, it's him. After all, he survived 6+ years in a relationship with me.

So here are some things that are important in order to be compatible with me:
You can't be controlling -- you really have to be able to go with the flow when dating me.
You have to trust me at my word -- if I say something I mean it. I do not bullshit or blow smoke and I don't often repeat myself.
You have to be fairly independent -- I have a lot of hobbies and I like my alone time. It doesn't mean that I don't like spending time with a person. And it doesn't mean that when we're not together I'm not thinking of them or I'm cheating on them or I don't like them. I really believe in the idea that people need to bring outside interests into the relationship and that not everything should be done together.
You have to communicate with me -- I need to hear you say, "I don't like this." or "I'm not comfortable when you do this." I will make adjustments based on what I know and hear but I'm kind of oblivious to innuendo or sarcastic remarks. I really need straight shooters in my life, even if I don't always like the comments I respect them and understand them.

Now, I know it's not easy dating someone like me. I have VERY strong opinions about things. And I make them known. And sometimes I play devil's advocate in a debate just to keep things lively. Or I'll challenge a comment regardless of how I truly feel. I like to constantly challenge and be challenged.

So, whoever reads this do me a favor and post something about talking things out with friends. Am I insane or is it okay to talk things out with your buddies? Or should you just not discuss it and move on?

Well, who says relationships have to last forever?

Before Sunrise


What a funny weekend. Friday night I had to work at Skyview. I didn't get home until around 11:30. I got ready for bed but I had problems falling asleep. I didn't fall asleep until around 1 or 1:30. This really sucked because I had to get up at 7:15 for rugby.

Went to rugby at 8:15 for a special two-part drill. The first 45 minutes about 8 of us attended a kicking practice. Then at 9 everyone else showed up and we did our normal practice. Plus we played a 60-minute scrimmage.

The pitch (field) was wet and muddy and it was terribly hot and humid. But once play starts, you kind of forget about it all. I scored my first try (think touchdown)! It was very exciting, especially since there were only 5 tries (each side) during our scrimmage--so it was pretty cool. I also got to play hooker.

Many of you will say that I was already a good hooker but this is actually a position. It's the person in the middle of the big huddle (called a scrum). The goal of the hooker is to get the ball back to his teammates after the ball is tossed in. I turned out to be a decent hooker for my first time doing it.

Sometime during practice I hurt my hand. This isn't surprising because I haven't bought cleats yet. So, I was slipping and falling a lot. Right now, my hand is still in significant pain and it's swollen. I'm taking Aleve and have my wrist/arm in a little cast. I can move my fingers a little without too much pain but I can't bend my wrist or turn my hand. Today driving I had to shift with my left hand!

Saturday evening, Mr. X came over to the house. We went to Claim Jumper and ate. Then we got him some ice cream on the way home (I don't eat much ice cream because I'm lactose intolerant). Then I made him watch Before Sunrise, because he'd never seen it before and it's a great date movie.

It was funny because it turned out we were a lot like the main characters. He is very much like Ethan Hawke--very pessimistic and I'm a bit like Julie Delpy--I trust everyone. So we were making jokes all night. All in all, we had a great time.

One of my favorite lines (besides the title of this post) is: Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

It sounds trite but in the context of the movie it works.

Today I worked at Skyview, talked to Mr. X on the phone a few times and watched Whale Rider on PBS. It was a good movie and much more interesting than I thought it was going to be.

So, Mr. X called at the end of Whale Rider to confirm our plans for Wednesday. We were going to watch the sequel to Before Sunrise, called Before Sunset. Then he informs me that he thinks we should just be friends.

He said that he really likes the intimacy of our relationship and likes smooching but he's not sure if it'll get more physical than that. He tried to explain but it wasn't holding much water. He said that he thinks we should have had sex when we first started going out. Then he said he thinks it stems back to "his meltdown" (his words) from a couple of weeks back.

Regardless, I'm glad we hadn't had sex yet. Don't get me wrong. I love me some sex. But I was trying to do something different here. I wanted to get to know the person real well before having sex. And I think that will work with the right person. Obviously, he isn't the right one.

So, he said that this was a big step for him because he normally just lets things fizzle out. He also said, normally he would just be selfish and not say anything -- because he wouldn't want to give up a good thing (the talking, the smooching and stuff like that). So, I guess I should somehow feel honored that he's matured a little and can talk about relationships like an adult.

We had a good talk and we'll end up being friends. But then he intimated that he wanted to still watch the movie on Wednesday AND smooch and stuff. I was like, "Hell no!" You can't have it both ways. So, he said that was fine. I also said we need a week or two apart before we can hang out as friends. It would feel very forced and awkward for me to see him in three days and be like, "Hey bro, what's up?"

I knew this was going to happen eventually. He usually only dates guys for no longer than 6 weeks and this was week 7 or 8. Plus, he drinks way too much. It's not that he drinks often, but when he does drink he binge drinks. I've never been there with him when he does drink. But he would tell me how much he drank and how fucked up he'd get when he would go out on "friends nights" . For me that's okay, once in awhile (I do it 2 or 3 times a year) but not every weekend. Plus, we're vastly different people. He's very strait-laced and I'm not. He's very cynical and I'm not. Blah blah blah.

So, it's not like this is a big shock. But it's sad just the same. Cuz I think he does have a lot of wonderful traits and characteristics.

So, here's another great quote from Before Sunrise to close this post:
You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone.'

This hurts me deeply

Paul Anka
Originally uploaded by veryapeaz.

Last week on NPR, Paul Anka was shilling is latest album. It's a collection of rock songs pansied up, swingified and murdered beyond comprehension. I thought it was a joke until I went to Amazon and saw that it's for real.

First, the album is called Rock Swings. But half the songs aren't rock. Many are pure syrupy pop. Spandau Ballet? I've never considered True to be a real rocking song, even when Spandau Ballet sang it at Live Aid--it's 80s pop.

He also does a cover of Lionel Richie's Hello. There's nothing more (outrageous?) vomitous than a Lionel Richie song, except when it's sung by Paul Anka.

I kind of get his version of Oasis' Wonderwall and REM's Everybody Hurts. Those work in this setting.

But some of the songs he chooses are just plain wrong. If he is truly a Nirvana fan, why did he pick Smells Like Teen Spirit? I'm thinking Heart Shaped Box or All Apologies.

And his version of Jump? Diamond Dave would leap out of his spandex if he heard this.

There's no real point to this post. I'm just a little angry. Thank God he didn't do Alice in Chains. I couldn't bear the thought of him singing Angry Chair with a bounce to it.

Dust N Bones

Dust N Bones

I know I'm always complaining about the heat. But hell, it's killing the residents here. Today was another scorcher. Fortunately, I was locked up in the office all day. I had rugby tonight but when you're playing it doesn't seem so bad. Plus we do take water breaks.

Not much to say. I hope everyone is keeping cool. I know Ian down in BA said it's cold down there. I'm jealous.

I can see clearly now the drops wore off

Bug eyed

For the past couple of weeks my right eye has been acting funny. I've gotten a little pimple on the eyelid and then it goes away. It happened again last week. The little pimple on the eyelid popped Saturday while I was in Jerome. When I woke up Sunday, I noticed the my right eye was a little swollen. By Sunday night, the lower part of my eyelid was so huge it looked like a fucking softball. Okay, maybe not a softball but more likely a golfball. Okay, maybe not a golfball but definitely a milkball. Milkballs are pretty damned big.

On top of that, I had a huge zit the size of Mt. Vesuvius over my right eye. When you have a zit that big, nobody notices anything else. You could be wearing nothing more than sandals and a thong and people will fixate on the zit. So all day Monday whenever people talked to me their eyes drifted between the erupting volcano and the milkball dangling from my eye.

Tim said that it could be a virus. He said that he got the herpes virus in his eye once. I told him I hadn't had sex in months and I certainly never let anyone spooge in my eye, so it couldn't be that.

I called the eye doctor but they couldn't see me until Tuesday morning. So at bowling I tried to conceal everything by wearing glasses and a hat that read, "Jerome Women's Prison." It worked, because Mr. X said he couldn't tell my eye was funky. And the hat covered the zit too!

This morning I went to the eye doctor. Apparently, I have overacting oil glands. And since after rugby we either go to the bar or we go to breakfast I'm sweaty for an hour or two before I get to shower.

Now I have to put hot compresses over my eyes three times a day FOREVER. And I have to carry baby wipes in my car.

So. I leave the eye doctor's and realize that driving to work is going to be a struggle. My pupils were dilated, it's 116 degrees outside (which means the sun shines brighter than say Boston which might have a cloud to diffuse the light), and my eyes are like slits trying to block out all light. Fortunately, it was only 2 miles to work but that was a rough drive. I almost pulled over because it hurt so bad but I got through it.

Oh. Monday night I received the strangest proposal. It was a marriage proposal through a third party. I asked the third party (Jeff) if the proposer knew what a freak I was. Jeff droll as ever said, "I told him you were very busy." I'm thinking that marrying someone I've never met might be successful. After all, my conventional relationships haven't really lasted more than 7 years. Maybe this one will last forever. ;-)

Hooker with a Penis

Maynard

Saturday morning, Buddy and I drove up to Jerome. We're writing an extensive feature on their "Out in Jerome" day, held the third Saturday of each month. We got up there around 11 and walked around the town. We stopped into one of the gay-owned galleries. The couple (Brian and Danny) immediately invited us to their house for drinks that afternoon, since it was Danny's birthday. We accepted and continued on our journey through town.

We walked around for an hour before eating at a gay-owned restaurant called the Flatiron Cafe. I had a delicious chicken quesadilla and Buddy had the salmon quesadilla. We then went to our hotel -- The Mile High Inn. This too is owned by a gay couple (Jet and Liz). Buddy's room was called Spooks, Ghosts & Goblins. Mine was Pillow Talk - I was hoping that meant I was going to get lucky... it didn't.

After checking in, I went to the Soiled Dove Studio and interviewed this awesome lady. She creates 3-D sculptures with kaleidoscopic elements. It's too difficult to describe and it doesn't translate well on film (I took some pix) but believe me, it's cool.

After that, I met up with my friend Mark and his friend Dijon. They got some chow and we hung out for a bit. Then I went back to my room and freshened up (it was well over 100 degrees and I was sweating like a pig). I then had to walk about 15 minutes down the hill to get to another artist's studio. See, Buddy left to go drinking with Michael and Danny but I had work to do.

As soon as I stepped outside the heavens opened and poured like there was no tomorrow. It was also thundering and lightning. I tucked my notepad under my shirt and trudged down the slippery slope. I got to the studio completely drenched but it was actually a lot of fun. I hadn't walked in the rain in a long time, so it was all good.

The artist I interviewed did all of this crazy stuff with bugs and sewing patterns and stuff. Very different but also very interesting. It was nothing like I'd ever seen before and he was an interesting man. He's also one of the owners of the Flatiron Cafe that I had lunch at earlier.

On the walk up the hill, Buddy passed by and gave me a lift. I walked around some more and talked to some more shop owners, then went to the hotel, showered and changed. Buddy had his own bath but I had to use the communal one. Which was fine. I like walking around naked in front of strangers.

After having a crazy dinner with Buddy's friend Tanya (her naked picture is hanging in our office) and her girlfriend, we walked around a bit. Some drag queens from Flagstaff came down and did a show at the Mile High.

I'm not a big fan of drag. I'll go to Richard's shows because 1) he's my friend and I like to support him 2) he's actually entertaining.

Now, these drag queens weren't very good. But I talked to them afterwards and they were very sweet, so I hope they keep doing it. They enjoy it and it makes them happy.

I bar hopped a bit but mostly hung out at Paul and Jerry's (not a gay-owned bar). At Paul & Jerry's is this big old Rockola Jukebox. I played Guns n Roses, Reba McEntire, Def Leppard and some other random songs/groups.

The weird part was they didn't have Tool or Pearl Jam. Why is that weird? Dave Abbruzzese (a guy who drummed for Pearl Jam until he was cermoniously fired in 1994) and Maynard James Keenan (the lead singer of Tool) are both residents of Jerome. I really wanted to play Elderly Woman in a Small Town or Stinkfist or Sober or Hooker with a Penis, but no such luck.

Anyways.... I had a great time. I got hit on by Danny (the birthday boy) and some other fellow from Sedona. But they were much too old for me (my fake ID says I'm 25). So there was no pillow talk in Pillow Talk that night.

Flame On!

Chris Evans
Originally uploaded by veryapeaz.

Much like President Jimmy Carter, I've looked on Chris Evans with lust. I've committed unspeakable acts in my heart.

Say what you will about the Fantastic Four any movie with Chris Evans half naked is an automatic thumbs (and more) up!

Too hot for the Heat Miser

Heat Miser and dancers

Today was 115 degrees and we had rugby practice. Not only did we do ball handling drills but we scrimmaged for 40 minutes. Surprisingly, tennis on Sunday was much worse. I have tennis tomorrow and it's going to be hot as hell again. I'm dreading it.

But it made me think of the Heat Miser from The Year Without a Santa Claus. It's funny because the Heat Miser only likes it up to 101 degrees. What a pussy. LOL.

Anyway, if you're feeling nostalgic, listen to him sing here.

Love Hate Love

Joyeux Anniversaire

Today is a significant day for two important people in my life. My sister Lorraine turned 40 today. Yikes! I'll save a post on her for another day.

It's also the birthday of my first love. Cyrille Marcel Allard. If you couldn't tell from the name, he's French. Actually, now he's French-Canadian because he emigrated there a few years ago after the US unceremoniously refused him any chance of becoming a citizen.

Cyrille was the best friend of my first boyfriend. Isn't that how it always works? I met him in December of 1994. I dated his friend Crel for about 4 weeks and then we broke up. But Cyrille and I continued to hang out together. In fact, we ate dinner together every day. We also went to the movies together almost every night.

I would get home usually around 11 and do all of my homework (I was going to ASU at the time) and then get up at the crack of dawn to go to school. I got no sleep but it was worth it.

Finally, after 6 weeks of spending every day together, we had our first kiss. First let me say that Cyrille was the consummate practical joker. And he was always telling these funny little stories. Actually, they never made sense and you couldn't understand half the words coming out of his mouth but he was so expressive and he would crack up halfway through, it was impossible NOT to laugh.

But this also has a downside. He could literally suck the life out of you. LOL. I'm totally serious. He always had to be the center of attention (and he always was) but it was COMPLETELY draining.

Anyway... one Sunday we spent the entire day together. We drove up to Fountain Hills to see the fountain (this was before the 101 was built and it took about 2 hours to get there). While watching the fountain go off we wrestled in the park and shoved grass down each other's shirts and shorts. Yes, it was quite the spectacle. After that fun and being all itchy, he dropped me off at 6 so I could do homework. He called me up at 7 to say hello. As he was talking he said he cut his finger and that he was bleeding badly. So, I told him to hold on and I'd drive him to the hospital.

I got to his apartment to find red toilet paper all over his thumb but he was relatively calm. After about 10 seconds he busted up laughing and told me it was all a joke. Ha Ha. I almost killed him. So we hung out in his bedroom and the next thing I knew we were making out and then clothes were off and badda bing. We started dating.

It was two of the most wonderful and painfully excruciating times of my life. First loves are like that I think.

You feel everything so deeply. You can barely breathe because the person hurt you or said, "I love you" or sneezes. It's all so intense.

Unfortunately, Cyrille had just experienced a tremendous loss in his life. Three months before I met him, he and his boyfriend were camping at Mt. Lemon in Tucson, AZ. Lightning struck his boyfriend and himself. His boyfriend died. He was terribly depressed until he met me. But when we were together, his life completely changed. All of his friends told me that I'd had a tremendous effect on him. But I couldn't understand this because the Cyrille I knew was always happy and laughing and goofy.

But he wasn't--he suffered from serious depression (which was understandable). But at age 25 I didn't know how to deal with that. I tried to get him help with some therapists but me being in the equation (as a boyfriend) only made the situation worse.

His visa ran up around the time I was graduating from ASU. He wanted me to move back to France with him and I initially said I would. But after two years of being together and breaking up (towards the end he was breaking up with me every two weeks), I decided to not go through with it. It was a terrible phone call. He flew from France to Baltimore to convince me to go back with him and I said no. It was a gut wrenching experience.

But I knew that would be best for both of us. And it was. He's finally happy again. He's wrestled his demons and I've become wiser from the experience.

We still talk on the phone and e-mail each other. We'll always be a part of each other's lives. If he lived in Phoenix or if I lived in Canada--who knows what could happen. Regardless, we had an amazing time together. He's such a beautiful person. Physically, he's drop dead gorgeous. And inside -- he's not a ray of sunshine -- he is sunshine. I love him to death and always will.

Belgium 

Shaving 

Strike that, reverse it

wonka
Originally uploaded by veryapeaz.

I still don't understand why they're remaking Willy Wonka. It just seems sacrilegious. And they're remaking it without the songs. I guess the new one is supposed to be closer to the book. I never read the book(s) (I think there was more than one), so I guess if the movie is radically different than the original it should be alright.

But there are so many excellent scenes/songs in the first one, that surely they will be missed in the 2nd. The whole Veruca Salt character doing her Jeckyll and Hyde trick singing nicely and petulantly with the Golden Gooses.... that's classic!

But that's not my point. My point is Willy Wonka has a phrase he uses often, "Strike that, reverse it."

That's sort of what's going on right now (read previous posting about text messaging). Apparently, the break up e-mail was not a break up e-mail (even though after quoting from it, Mr. X said it sounded like one).

Long story short, we're still dating. For how long, hmmm not sure. But it's certainly worth a try. There are a lot of good qualitites there, so I think that's worth pursuing. And if it doesn't work out, at least I know I tried. :)

At least it wasn't a text message

divorce
Originally uploaded by veryapeaz.

OK. So, my recent dating experiment has come to a SCREECHING halt.

Last night as I was driving home from rugby, Mr. X called and sounded a bit edgy. He was a little upset because I misunderstood a joke of his (he referred to himself in the 3rd person--i gave him the look from hell but he honestly meant it as a joke). We talked about it and I thought things were cool.

Until I got home.

When I got home, he called again to say he wasn't comfortable with how things were going. He said that he felt like we were acting like friends and nothing more.

I countered with the fact that I don't ordinarily make out with my friends -- sometimes if I'm REALLY drunk I will. (just kidding) ;-)

The gist of his argument was that he felt I wasn't as into him as he was into me.

Now, this conversation is immediately after us having a great weekend together. We watched Wimbledon together and had a wonderful time. We also went out to dinner and had a nice long talk about our relationship and the need to progress slowly, but it was all positive stuff. We both liked each other and felt we had a lot in common. I interrogated him on his inability to have a relationship longer than 6 weeks because that really bothered me, but he seemed to give a valid answer and said "that was then, this is now."

So, the phone call last night really surprised the hell out of me. I was really quiet on the phone trying to absorb everything, I assured him that I liked him and wanted to continue dating.

So, last night I e-mailed him and kind of reiterated that I wanted to continue dating and see where it lead.

He e-mailed back with, "Let's just be friends who are attracted to each other." Ouch! That hurt, not because of what he said (he wrote a lot more than that), but the way he said it. I was hoping that I had at least rated enough to get a fucking phone call.

I mean, it's been 5 weeks. For me that's a drop in the water, but for him that's an eternity. I would think a phone call is warranted here.

But I guess, not.

At least he didn't text message me.