Love Hate Love

Joyeux Anniversaire

Today is a significant day for two important people in my life. My sister Lorraine turned 40 today. Yikes! I'll save a post on her for another day.

It's also the birthday of my first love. Cyrille Marcel Allard. If you couldn't tell from the name, he's French. Actually, now he's French-Canadian because he emigrated there a few years ago after the US unceremoniously refused him any chance of becoming a citizen.

Cyrille was the best friend of my first boyfriend. Isn't that how it always works? I met him in December of 1994. I dated his friend Crel for about 4 weeks and then we broke up. But Cyrille and I continued to hang out together. In fact, we ate dinner together every day. We also went to the movies together almost every night.

I would get home usually around 11 and do all of my homework (I was going to ASU at the time) and then get up at the crack of dawn to go to school. I got no sleep but it was worth it.

Finally, after 6 weeks of spending every day together, we had our first kiss. First let me say that Cyrille was the consummate practical joker. And he was always telling these funny little stories. Actually, they never made sense and you couldn't understand half the words coming out of his mouth but he was so expressive and he would crack up halfway through, it was impossible NOT to laugh.

But this also has a downside. He could literally suck the life out of you. LOL. I'm totally serious. He always had to be the center of attention (and he always was) but it was COMPLETELY draining.

Anyway... one Sunday we spent the entire day together. We drove up to Fountain Hills to see the fountain (this was before the 101 was built and it took about 2 hours to get there). While watching the fountain go off we wrestled in the park and shoved grass down each other's shirts and shorts. Yes, it was quite the spectacle. After that fun and being all itchy, he dropped me off at 6 so I could do homework. He called me up at 7 to say hello. As he was talking he said he cut his finger and that he was bleeding badly. So, I told him to hold on and I'd drive him to the hospital.

I got to his apartment to find red toilet paper all over his thumb but he was relatively calm. After about 10 seconds he busted up laughing and told me it was all a joke. Ha Ha. I almost killed him. So we hung out in his bedroom and the next thing I knew we were making out and then clothes were off and badda bing. We started dating.

It was two of the most wonderful and painfully excruciating times of my life. First loves are like that I think.

You feel everything so deeply. You can barely breathe because the person hurt you or said, "I love you" or sneezes. It's all so intense.

Unfortunately, Cyrille had just experienced a tremendous loss in his life. Three months before I met him, he and his boyfriend were camping at Mt. Lemon in Tucson, AZ. Lightning struck his boyfriend and himself. His boyfriend died. He was terribly depressed until he met me. But when we were together, his life completely changed. All of his friends told me that I'd had a tremendous effect on him. But I couldn't understand this because the Cyrille I knew was always happy and laughing and goofy.

But he wasn't--he suffered from serious depression (which was understandable). But at age 25 I didn't know how to deal with that. I tried to get him help with some therapists but me being in the equation (as a boyfriend) only made the situation worse.

His visa ran up around the time I was graduating from ASU. He wanted me to move back to France with him and I initially said I would. But after two years of being together and breaking up (towards the end he was breaking up with me every two weeks), I decided to not go through with it. It was a terrible phone call. He flew from France to Baltimore to convince me to go back with him and I said no. It was a gut wrenching experience.

But I knew that would be best for both of us. And it was. He's finally happy again. He's wrestled his demons and I've become wiser from the experience.

We still talk on the phone and e-mail each other. We'll always be a part of each other's lives. If he lived in Phoenix or if I lived in Canada--who knows what could happen. Regardless, we had an amazing time together. He's such a beautiful person. Physically, he's drop dead gorgeous. And inside -- he's not a ray of sunshine -- he is sunshine. I love him to death and always will.