Boringly Normal

Two weeks ago I had a physical. I'm disgustingly healthy. My bad cholesterol is low and my good cholesterol is normal. My blood pressure is good. My sugar level, kidney and liver functions and everything is perfect.

But my EKG showed something funky -- a premature heart beat. So, I had to see a cardiologist. Fortunately, my friend Jilane is a PA for Biltmore Cardiology -- a really nice and fancy schmancy practice.

This morning I went over there for various poking and prodding.

First, a woman SANDPAPERED parts of my chest. It really was a strip of sandpaper that she gleefully ripped across my body.

Then she hooked up some electrodes and had me walk on a treadmill. Every so often, the computer reading the info from the electrodes would spit out some graphs. After about 15 minutes of this (at this point I was sprinting up a mountainous incline), I asked when the damned test would end. The lady with the sandpaper said not until I couldn't go anymore or until I hit 100% of my maximum heart rate.

I didn't want to look like a wimp so I waited it out until I hit 100%.

After that I went to another room. There a different lady smeared jelly on my chest (that felt much better than sandpaper) and performed an ultrasound on my heart. It was really cool. Sometimes I would have to exhale and hold it because my lung kept getting in the way. Other times she would hit a button and the black and white image would explode in vibrant color.

Finally, I got to see Jilane. She said I was boringly healthy. Occasionally my heart will beat prematurely. But it does it infrequently and at random and it's nothing to be concerned about.

The only bad thing is I've gotten fat. I've gained 11 pounds since Bingham (which is good). But I haven't worked out (except tennis and bowling -- and bowling is mostly beer drinking), so it's all hung around my waist. I'm looking forward to burning it off soon and turning it into a little bit of muscle.

In other news... I have to comment on the new airport regulations. I think it's all a sham. If it was such a wicked plot, why didn't George Bush cut short his vacation (since he knew about it for days)? I find it highly suspicious that the activity was planned in England (Tony Blair = George Bush lapdop) and targeted America. I think Blair and Bush concocted this whole thing. And I find it sickening that Cheney used the terrorist's plot as a way to warn voters not to vote for Democrats. I'm not the only one who thinks this either -- read this.