Diary of a Sane Man

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sex on the Brain

I had an interesting conversation on Monday with Richard.

We were talking about sex. He was really surprised that SJ and I haven't had sex yet. He said that generally if he hasn't had sex within a week or two of dating someone then it'll probably never happen and that's the end of that.

It kind of reminded me of what Mr. X said when he broke up with me. He said, among other things, that we had gone too long without having sex and in his mind we were just friends.

Maybe I'm a total freak for thinking this but when I'm first dating someone I don't want to immediately have sex with them. I mean - I DO want to, but I also want to wait.

I can have (and have had) sex with anybody. It's easy to have sex with someone you don't really care about. There's really nothing invested. I'm not saying you can't have great sex with strangers or people you are casually acquainted with, because you can.

But what I want in a relationship and what I want with Joe is physical intimacy. That's not something that happens often in a person's life. And it's not something that will happen in 3 weeks.

It almost speaks to a larger level. We, as a society, seem to want everything pronto. God forbid we cook a meal. I mean even microwaving takes too long. So although we have all of this stuff easily at hand, it's somehow less rewarding.

Fortunately, Joe is in sync with me on this subject (and yes, I asked if I could blog about this cuz it is personal). So, we'll go at our own pace. We really want to build something special. I'm not saying that I've always followed this model in life. But I'm getting older (and wiser?) and just feel more comfortable approaching things at a slower pace. And I'm not saying if you have sex with someone on the first date, you can't fall in love and live happily ever after for the rest of your life. You can. But I really think Joe is a special person. And I want it to be special with him.

And don't ask us about what we do and when we've done it. Of course, I'm mainly referring to my fellow ruggers who have an insane curiousity about it all - and love to voice it. I told Joe last week that I was just going to post a notice saying we were going to wait until we got married. :-P

posted by VeryApeAZ at 9:50 PM

14 Comments:

  • I had this EXACT same discussion with someone tonight. One of the biggest issues in my last relationship was that he was so concerned with what other people (and YOU know who they are) thought about OUR physical relationship. Needless to say I knew we were doomed.

    Take your time, do it right. Why do you think I like to cook things from scratch?

    : )

    and yes, you ARE a freak ;-P

    By Blogger potusol, At Tue Jan 24, 11:15:00 PM MST  

  • HEY FREAK
    at least give poor joe a blow job before he explode!!!
    (joke)

    baby, do what u want but, lemme tell ya, it has nothing to do with it.
    You read my blog very often, then you know that when I´m talking about the love of my life (´till now), I´m talking about my first husband (not Jerk, the first one).
    Augusto means to me what I think Cyrille means to you.
    We lived together for a year and a half and I gotta say he has changed my life. you know the story.
    My point here is that we were taking a shower togheter after dinner the night we first met. Touche

    Sex is a part of the relationship, u cant force things. if it comes, it comes... if not... just wait till it comes. but never hurry or delay it cuz of a stupid cooking conviction, just let things be.

    I´m sure Joe will take care of u. if he doesnt, then he has a date with my cane.

    love!

    The "handy" Bitch

    By Blogger Ian Gutierrez, At Wed Jan 25, 06:01:00 AM MST  

  • That's how I know if I REALLY like someone and think I want to be with him for a while - if I refraing from sex.

    Anybody I take home from the bar for a one-nighter has no chance of actually dating me. (And I know I have no chance of dating anyone that takes me home from the bar.)

    Maybe you could just him a hand-job?
    - Buddy

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At Wed Jan 25, 08:45:00 AM MST  

  • Blow job, hand job, etc. I'm already getting great intercourse every night!
    (That would be the second and third definitions of intercourse!)

    By Blogger Actions and Consequences, At Wed Jan 25, 09:36:00 AM MST  

  • Ted,

    I'm the reluctant responder, unless I feel compelled. Your post is great....

    In my early 20s and in reaction to my very Catholic upbringing, I went hog wild, became sexually liberated so it didn't take a whole lot to get my pants off. After the end of my very long term monogamous relationship, I found myself dating again. I set myself a 'new rule' (hmm been watching too much Bill Maher)....No sleeping together on the, 1st, 2nd, 5th, 10th, 20th date.... Actually, no sleeping together until we really like each other and the physical lines up with the emotional and spiritual....AND sleeping together represents a deepening commitment..... Given my new wisdom, I was more chaste in my last single time-frame than I was while in the monastery!!

    When I met my current partner, we were both on the same page....no sex until were committed and saw LTR potential. Was it difficult? Yes.....but was it critical to our long term chances? Yes. Just what I believe and a standard I apply only to myself.....over a year later we are going strong in every respect.

    Good for you guys for waiting. It goes counter gay-culture. This might be unpopular, but as a community we collect around the need to find sex partners. I get it and there's no judgement on my part. However, I'm equally tired of dealing with a world that focuses so much on what the little head is thinking.....

    The wisdom here would seem to be, yes, when you become sexually liberated have a good time..but as you get older, wiser, have a few relationships under your belt.....you realize that one f*ck after another doesn't bring happiness or the intimacy that we crave, or meaningful LTRs, hopefully our criteria for dating changes.

    Jeesh...can't believe I'm writing this.....My personal morality is pretty conservative for a far left leaning European Christian Democrat....

    Good for you guys...you'll know when it's right to take the relationship to the next level.

    Damien

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At Wed Jan 25, 12:10:00 PM MST  

  • Great post Ted, this does sound so very special. Maybe I am jaded (or maybe it was that I came out late and didnt have sex with a man until I was 27 and divorced) but both of my 2 long term live in relationships (3 years each) began sadly with one night of amazing sex. And it's strange, since the last breakup, if my new potential and I havent done anything by like the third date..we become the best of friends. Everyone is different of course. It isn't so much that not having sex caused us to become "only friends", but more likely that we were meant to be just that.

    Best of luck buddy
    :)

    By Blogger The Persian, At Wed Jan 25, 12:19:00 PM MST  

  • That is very romantico. you go chi chi rodriguez. I haven't even met the two of you and i am happy for you both ;-)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At Wed Jan 25, 01:15:00 PM MST  

  • Damien--thanks for the post. You just wrote exactly what I was trying to express, only better.

    By Blogger VeryApeAZ, At Wed Jan 25, 02:33:00 PM MST  

  • Rock on. Just because you don't have sex within the first 3 milliseconds, doesn't mean a thing. Take your time, what's the rush? Each person is different when it comes to this. Be it fast or slow, it's YOUR time schedule, no one else. People may say I'm moving to fast with my Mr. Man, some will say you're moving too slow. Know what I say? Fuck em'!

    By Blogger Ed, At Wed Jan 25, 09:59:00 PM MST  

  • Joe is a cutie! I am looking forward to meeting you both this summer!

    By Blogger Chengdus & Don'ts, At Wed Jan 25, 10:44:00 PM MST  

  • I think that's awesome, your doing what is right for you. I have made the mistake myself of just jumping into things without really getting to know the person. I think it's awesome that your getting to know them first.

    By Blogger DEREK, At Sat Jan 28, 05:56:00 PM MST  

  • I just want you to know that I think that it is awesome that you are waiting; it seems like less and less people do that anymore!!! Bravo!!

    I also had a BF that broke up with me because we never had sex; but it was him who didn't want to!!! He said that if you don't have sex by the second month, then that means you are friends, and I was all, pull your pants down bitch and lets do this from long before 2 months rolled around! Now who's fault is that?! He is lucky I stuck with him!

    Ugh... unfortunately, I am big into love and intimacy, so sure enough, he broke my heart. Damn boys!

    Don't give in to pressure... follow your heart. Sounds like you are on the right track, anyways. Bravo!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At Wed Feb 01, 09:22:00 AM MST  

  • I think you are doing the right thing. Do wait until you both are married.

    - A well-wisher

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At Fri Feb 17, 02:46:00 PM MST  

  • I Don't think there's a secret formula.....it's just when the time's right it's right.....and I'm sure u guys will know when that is.....but in my own experience.....waiting too long has led to the postulation that we are only friends!!! U two know your 'couplehood' the best!!!! Great entry...

    By Blogger The_Gay_Dude, At Wed Feb 22, 12:36:00 PM MST  

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