Yield-Proceed with Caution

Yield
Originally uploaded by veryapeaz.

I have a few things to get off my chest. First, the post that follows may or may not contain graphical descriptions of gay sex -- I do a stream of consciousness type of writing, so I'm not sure what it'll contain. Yes, I do edit for grammar and punctuation but I never change content. It's there for a reason.

If you're one of my sisters or friends or some stranger who happens upon this, you might want to skip this post. Come back later in the week. Zeppgoddess tagged me with an assignment and I'll write about that later in the week.

I'm saying this because I made a high school friend of mine blush with my description of sporting wood while kissing Jason 'nee Mr. AA' Adonis. I probably write stuff I shouldn't, but I try to "keep it real." ;-)

OK. So here we go. After getting horribly sick last week, I went to the doctor. He examined me, my throat and asked about my symptoms. He said it could be strep, mono, gonorrhea (I guess you can get that in the throat) or HIV. He did a five minute quick strep test and that came back negative.

So, this sends my heart racing. I'm flipping out. One, I feel like shit. Two, the prospect of HIV always scares me.

I remember when I was quite young, maybe 11 or 12, and reading Time Magazine. There was a cover story about the new gay cancer. I was afraid that I would catch it because I thought I was gay.

But it wasn't until I was in my early 20s that I was finally honest with myself and started dating men. The spectre of HIV always hung over me.

I didn't let it stop me from having sex. But I was almost always careful (being young and stupid makes you do dumb things--like not practice safer sex 100 percent of the time). After having sex, I was always nervous about getting HIV.

If I got sick, my mind would always kick into overdrive and I'd be a nervous wreck.

Since my 6+ year relationship with Kevin ended, I've been single. This means that I can abstain from sex until "I find the right guy." Or, I can hook up every couple of months. Because finding someone I really want to have a relationship with is just not that easy.

As I've gotten older, I'm more demanding (or more aware) of my needs. On the first date I find out the following things: 1) if they have a job 2) if they've ever been in love 3) if they've ever been in a relationship that lasted more than six months 4) if they're married, partnered or "seeing someone special" 5) if they're out to their family and friends.

If they answer yes to 1, 2 3 and 5 and answered no to 4 and there's chemistry and the person seems decent, then there's potential.

But you wouldn't believe how many people fail that simple test. Mr. X failed that one but I still went out with him. Stupid mistake. When the red flags are waving, it's time to stop. No matter how much you like a person.

Anyway, this year (my last HIV test was in Jan.) I've had sex with three guys, ironically I never had it with Mr. X. One of the times, it was just a makeout jerk off session. Very safe. The other two times, I was the "top" and wore a condom. The odds of transmission (even if the other guy had HIV) in that case is supposed to be negligible.

But there's always a chance.

So, for five days I've been freaking out inside. I mentioned it to Kevin, Jay and Jeffiel, because I had to talk about it. They all said not to worry. But it's hard not to sometimes. On a side note, if someone can come up with a good name for Jeff and Daniel -- like JenBen or Bennifer, please e-mail me or post in the comments section.

There are two HIV tests. One detects HIV antibodies. The other detects HIV itself (this is a good test for those recently infected--within one month's time before the antibodies develop).

Today I got the call that both came back negative. It's a relief. It turns out I have strep.

The thing is, I know everything would be alright even if I had contracted HIV. My life would be a little different but not radically. I'd still workout and play tennis and hang with my friends. I'd probably take better care of myself--cut down on the 20 jobs and stuff. And I would never not date someone with it. And I probably won't change my habits. Yes, I want to date one person and only have sex with them. But if that doesn't happen and months go by with sex consisting of me, my hand and porn I'm gonna have sex.

I'll keep playing it safe, but a small part of me will always wonder.

I'm glad to get this all out on (digital) paper. Now I can start concentrating on work and knock some shit out.